The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
