OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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