his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
