P.S. I can't hear my feet
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
