3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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