I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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