I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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