I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
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When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
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You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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