Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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