I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
