I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I wish there were birth control emojis
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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