yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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