So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
