I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
