I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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