I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
