oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
