Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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