I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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