there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
