well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
