Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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