I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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