The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
