its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
