I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
