My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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