my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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