I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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