i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
love makes seman taste better
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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