my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
