You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
