Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
