i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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