You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
