On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
