I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
