Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
he shaved USA in his pubs
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
