How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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