Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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