i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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