i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
send nudes
from the living room?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
