I bet he comes in French.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
