on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
