I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
