We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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