apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
