Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
