Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
