got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
