I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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