The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
