why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
True strength comes from lack of pants
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
