Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
